I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You dont lie about slip and slides
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize