this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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