first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
