so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
