FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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