I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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