The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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