K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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