shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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