Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
