You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
