I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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