there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
