On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
So here I am, sexting at work.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
