yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
