I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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