M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
