So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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