apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize