I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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