Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
