I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
