My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
