Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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