very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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