I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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