What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
