if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize