Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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