Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
