If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
