I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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