I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
