Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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