On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
