I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
