Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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