we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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