my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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