my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize