My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
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