i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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