Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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