It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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