Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
