Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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