so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Randomize
