I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
