I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
