Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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