Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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