So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
