mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
