I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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