I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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