i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
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