She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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