How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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