he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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