Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
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