Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
